I’m in love with my cofounder

I’m writing this on a Saturday night.

My kids are asleep. The dog is snoring. My wife is at work. A Brandi Carlile album swells, filling more of the room than our frail lamp ever does. This has become my weekly routine. I settle in while my wife works, and bring chapters from Silicon Holler to life.

Today’s tale is a love story.

I was gone for six days of an eight day stretch. I came home late on Thursday night, and my wife was already in bed. She also slept until Friday afternoon so she could start her series of night shifts as a pediatric ICU nurse. So now, it’s just me, the kids and my mutt.

Once she wraps her hospital tour, we’ll have a week or so together before I kick off another marathon of travel, and I’m pretty sure there is at least one more last minute trip that will pop up in the next 30 days.

The schedule my wife and I maintain would be a living hell for many. Friends often say “I don’t know how you all do it.” We’ve made it work over the years, and actually, have even come to like aspects of it. She’s been on night shift for 15 years, and for the last eight of those, I’ve come home just in time to get a baby or handful of children handed off as she’s going out the door. When I started my company, this schedule intensified.

There is plenty of content out there about how to choose a cofounder. Maybe one day I’ll add to that, but for today, I want to speak about the unspoken cofounders of many companies.

The spouses.

I don’t think you have to be married to found a company, but if you are married and think you’re the only one who is about to make sacrifices, you have much to learn.

Grab a glass of champagne, slice wedding cake*, a fork and dig in. Today I’m sharing a few vows and toasting to the better half.

The ghost cofounder

You’ve heard of ghost writers, right? People who anonymously write books or content for a client. Well, startup spouses are kind of like “ghost” cofounders. Truthfully, this newsletter will even resonate with spouses of early stage startup employees. Many companies would not make it without these ghost cofounders. They sacrifice just like “actual” founder making the pitches, building the business plan, hiring the first employee, finding a broom closet to work from, and trying to find an attorney who is good but not $600 an hour.

LinkedIn and startup books are chock full of tales of smart founders and their strategies, analogies, synergies, or whatever other ‘gies they can boast about. They’ll talk about the risks they took, going into debt or maxing out credit cards. You’ll read about how they couldn’t make payroll. They go on podcasts to talk about how they had to ask their vendors to give them 30 more days for their invoice terms before their big break.

But too few of us talk about how critical a supporting cast at home is to the life of our business.

I will tell you right now—GoWild doesn’t exist without my wife.

And it doesn’t exist without the supportive spouses of my cofounders, or our team.**

Like a great ghost writer, these ghost cofounders don’t ask for attention. They also take pride in seeing someone else get glory. But like ghost writers, none of it is possible without them.

Work can’t be in order if our homes aren’t in order

I don’t care if you’re a man or woman, if you’re working in a startup and married, you’re asking a lot of your spouse. There are late nights, family event interruptions, spontaneous and poorly planned travel, late-night texts or Slack messages, and a general urgency hanging in the air. It takes a supportive spouse to even put up with this (and actually—this is why missions matter, but we’ll talk more about this on another day).

When I’m gone, my wife takes over all of my duties with the kids and house. To think that this house work and parental leadership is not at times as stressful as any other job is foolish. If you’ve ever been in charge of any amount of children for the day, you get it.

When I’m home, I have a long list of contributions:

• Waking up my kids on the rare occasion they’re not awake

• Making 3 breakfasts

• Getting kids ready for school

• Taking my son and sometimes my daughter to school

• Feeding the dog and fish (OK, the fish died so I wasn’t that good at that I guess)

• Taking out the trash and recycling

• Last-minute grocery runs

• Cooking dinners

• Begging children to eat said dinners (sounds so easy—possibly its own ring of hell, though)

• Doing the dishes (usually a tag team effort though)

• Household IT tasks (my one request of my wife, should I die, is to find someone who compensates her tech ineptitude)

• Bath and bedtime (this is sometimes a 90 minute affair, for those who don’t know)

• Cleaning up (my wife will laugh at this one)

I signed up for all of that when I decided to have a few babies. But my wife didn’t sign up to do it alone while I’m off trying to raise my other baby—my company. Still the same, my decision to build a company has put her in a position where she picks up a ton of roles and little tasks while I’m gone. All of this and we haven’t even mentioned the actual parenting of the children. Tough moments come up when I’m gone and she’s stuck with being the referee or psychotherapist. Due to the startup, she’s been alone with significant injuries, disciplinary action, illnesses, potty training, etc.

Likewise, it’s still stressful on spouses and kids aren’t in the picture. Things still come up, and you know what? Someone married you because they didn’t want to be alone. So travel, stress or late nights can get old quick.

All of this is why it’s critical to have this hard conversation with your spouse before you dive in. And I can promise you now, you may as well just go ahead and tell them that their role in supporting you through it all is going to be critical as you try to figure out what the hell product market fit looks like. See how they feel about it. Talk about what it’s going to take—for both of you. This exercise will be good for each of you to recognize that the sacrifices aren’t just on one side.

Show your (ghost) cofounder some love

Turning an idea into a real business takes so much work—more than most people will ever fathom. There are times the stress of the company has made me not very fun to be around, but my wife has not only tolerated me, but somehow managed to still love me through it all. I love her, too. It’s critical to keep sight of that as you scale. I haven’t always done a great job of this. I find it really hard to actually achieve any balance—like a ball spinning on your finger, it seems to always want to fall to one side or the other.

Maybe instead of finding work/life balance, it’s best to just recognize when you’re out of balance. Take a random day off, surprise your spouse by shutting the computer down early and putting on their favorite Netflix show, or give them a handwritten note saying how much you recognize the sacrifices they’ve made for you.

This is where my wife’s work schedule has been my superpower. I’ve had built-in nights where I will bust my tail, working on things I need to get done while she’s gone. I do it while she’s sleeping during the day, sometimes, too. Then, when we have what we now call “family fun days” with the kids—I’m all in on being Husby and Daddy, not Founder.

Be a spouse worth writing books about

I don’t keep a tally, but it feels like I’ve met hundreds of founders over the years. Everyone wants to build a company that someone will write a book about, but few talk about being the best parent or spouse in the whole damned world. I’ve really committed myself to trying to do that for my kids, and I’m trying to get better at doing it for my wife. I don’t want to be one of these people who grinds on a company for 30 years and when I’m done with that era, I have nothing left. My greatest legacy will be the family I leave behind, and the values they pass down. At my funeral, I don’t want everyone toeing around the fact that I was never home, was ungrateful, didn’t take time off, and was unappreciative. I want them to say that I was the ultimate founding father, who always gave it all to those I cared about—my team, my kids, and most importantly, the woman I loved.

I sometimes think about the fact that my kids will one day leave this house, and it’ll just be me and my wife again. With that thought, I often remember I am a husband first—she’s my life partner. Likewise, no matter what you’re building, you’ll one day step away from it and it will become a chapter of the story.

Don’t burn the most important relationship in your life for a few good chapters.

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Who I’m listening to: Brandi Carlile (you thought I was kidding?)

What I’m reading: “The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich”

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*Color me impressed if you had wedding cake on hand this morning as I slid into your inbox.

** In another direction, I’m even more impressed by people who are single with kid and out there making startups happen, whether as employees or founders. I know many, and y’all are amazing. ❤️